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We get rid of grudges

How to improve family relationships, get rid of problems, and start living anew are quite common requests in psychological counseling. During consultations, grievances often arise that live in people's hearts. Tracking one's emotional reactions and working through past grievances is an important step toward change.

We all experienced hurt in childhood and continue to experience it as adults. By holding onto hurt, one can manipulate and achieve their goals, take revenge, refuse to forgive, feel pity for oneself, or justify personal flaws. In other words, resentment offers a wide range of secondary benefits, but is it really harmless?

Resentment is a destructive emotion that arises when our expectations are unmet and our needs are not satisfied. In adulthood, the feeling of resentment is often repressed and suppressed, manifesting as either external aggression (attacks, sarcasm, malice) or internal aggression (feelings of inadequacy, self-pity). Moreover, resentment triggers a full spectrum of negative emotions: anger, sadness, fear. Negative emotions are primary for humans; they contributed to survival. Therefore, falling into them is easy, but getting out is more difficult. Positive emotions like joy, interest, and surprise are not as easily accessible and cannot last long without conscious daily effort.

So, what should be done? First, learn to track the moment resentment arises, especially the individual bodily reactions such as a lump in the throat, heat in the chest, tightness in the stomach, increased heartbeat, etc. Second, acknowledge that when this feeling arises, something important, possibly unnoticed by us, has been touched. It's essential to accept the feeling and sit with it, experiencing the uncomfortable bodily sensations.

Then, psychotherapy begins, during which we return to the resentment and immerse ourselves in it completely. Better yet, we connect with it and try to relive exactly what the body felt, what behavior was present, what thoughts arose, and where discomfort was felt.

Depending on the client's request, the resentment can be worked through on both external and deeper levels. External work focuses on a specific situation, while working through resentment deeply requires us to dive into the unconscious, focusing on bodily reactions to find the trigger mechanism for the resentment. This mechanism is usually found in early childhood, and by working through it, a person experiences the emotions of their inner child. It is a painful process, but the result is worth it. The feeling of resentment will arise rarely and won't last long. It will simply serve as a pointer to what is truly important to you and which needs you need to pay attention to.